Marc Gafni: Betrayal or Not
The Gift of Loving Critique
To be a lover is to be committed to the physical well being and spiritual growth of your beloved. Our souls want to grow. While we often think of giving and loving in terms of Good and Evil, the soul thinks in terms of nutritious and not nutritious. Thus, the wisdom masters remind us, “All love that does not contain a dimension of challenge and critique is not love.”
Loving criticism that comes not from one-upmanship but from true caring, can also be a gift.
For me, the model of critique which is a lover’s gift is always the story of the Great Master Aaron of Karlin, one of the greatest lovers of 19th century mysticism.
Master Aaron heard of a great holy man — Hayim Haykel of Amdur, known for his saintliness and piety…Hayim lived in forest as a hermit in total seclusion, seeking perfection through mortification and fasting.
Master Aaron wanted to draw him closer to the mystical way of Hasidism. So he went to preach in the study halls of Amdur. He was such an impressive speaker that the entire town talked only of his sermons. Rumors finally reached Reb Hayim Haykel. Well he had a great soft spot for wise teachers, so the next day, he came to check it out for himself.
The audience expected another display of oratory, but the speaker was aware of Reb Chaim Haykel’s presence — the man for whom he had come.
And so he surprised his audience by delivering the shortest sermon, the briefest lecture of his career — one sentence, only one. He said, “He who does not improve, gets worse.” Then left the podium.
The people couldn’t believe their ears. What has happened to him? Was he making fun of them? They were on the verge of shouting their protest when suddenly they froze, for they saw the revered and saintly Reb Chaim Haykel get up and push through the crowd.
He seemed shaken. “Help me, please…your words are now inside me, they tear me apart.”
And the two men left together.
That is not always my friend how it happens. Sometimes we are betrayed by a brother. Maybe even a closest brother or sister. And there is no pain like that pain.
Loving critique is not to betray a friend. It is not to leave a friend to die because we have some
criticism of them. It is to “leave together”.
It is to sit in a circle and look deeply into each other eyes and work it out. It is to get all sides of every story and then establish some level of facts and truth before allowing for a friend to be unjustly hurt or much much worse.
And if we make a mistake and hurt a brother then we must find a way to tikkun. To fix it. To heal it. To own our mistakes in a clear and unambiguous way.
Not in private communication but in public, in the realm that the damage was done. We must feel the pain of the one we have brutally wronged.
We must be able to distinguish between grossly different levels of mistake and wrong doing and be able to create an objective hierarchy of pain.
We need to be discerning to see through
untruth, malice, unholy alliances motivated by emptiness and inflated hurt.
That is what it means not only to be a brother. But to be a human being.
Let it be so…
marc gafni
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posted on marcgafni.com
