Harlot Masquerade: Part V: Marc Gafni

Many years ago when I was 19 years old I broke up a relationship with a woman whom I loved with all of my heart. Though not yet a Rabbi, nor even a teacher, I felt powerfully called to the spirit. I believed, as I had been taught, that only a full curbing of sexuality would allow me to be sufficiently pure to answer my spiritual calling.

Like Hiyya I was caught up in my need for piety. My teachers at the Seminary reinforced my desire for piety and ‘purity’ and lauded my decision. They were wrong. I was blinded to the person whom I loved.

I broke off the relationship abruptly —honestly citing my need for purity as my primary motive. Although I was completely unaware of it then, it was — in retrospect — probably the greatest sin of my life.

Paradoxically it was the fear of what I thought to be sin which brought about the greatest sin; the inability to see one I loved and loved me. About six months after we broke up I received a letter from her that had apparently been written six months earlier and gotten lost in the mail. It was a beautiful note. I cried for two hours when I read it. I did not cry again for 12 years when I was 31;

At that time I need to make a decision about divorce. I went to the person who had been my primary teachers for many years. The first words out of his mouth — before he really had a chance to think were- “But you will ruin your career”.

It was the first in a series of Satori moments that set me off in search of a deeper truth. I decided to reject the counsel of my teacher — and follow my heart, reaching for love.

marc gafni
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