What is a committed relationship: Marc Gafni
On the first day of the Intermediate days of the Feast of Tabernacles {Chol HaMoed Sukkot} according to the calendar of the land of Israel.
In the previous post I talked about a committed relationship. Someone wrote in immeidately and said what does a committed relationship mean to you? The person then went on to say that they had heard that I had engaged relationships which had a sexual component which were not geared towards marriage.
So let me jot a brief response. First yes I have engaged those kind of relationships at different times in my life. I felt that each one of them was sacred and I always honored whatever my commitment was in those relationship.
Committed means committed to the context of relationship which was mutually agreed on by both sides. If the agreement is marriage then honor that. If the agreement is a short term romantic liason honor that. If the agreement is a short or long term sexual liason then honor that. Each one of these has its own holiness. Each one may be sacred if it is held and honored as such.
At certain times in life different kinds of commitments are in order. At different stages of life different commitments are appropriate.
However, what is a defiling of the holy of holies is to re-member the terms of agreement or the nature of the relationship differently then the way it actually happened.
For example to claim that an agreement to have a romantic sexual liason was really a promise of marriage is a gross and terrible violation, especially when such a lie is used to try and retroactively reconstruct the relationship in order to do violence to one of the parties.
If something like this happens then all those who believe in a moral context must fiercely protest such injustice and failure to do so creates significant Karma. Such action or inaction is a form of sexual abuse.
But if it does happen then rather then allowing this kind of terror to become fixed in concrete, because everyone is afraid to give up being right is a further travesty. All parties COULD SURPRISE EVEYRONE AND simply apologize to each other, withdraw whatever their complaints may have been, forgive and move on.
Failure to do so creates a frightening and terrible karma both for the direct perpetrators and for those that shut their eyes to injustice invoking every manner of politically correct slogan to hide their fear, cowardice and malice.
One more word on commitment. Sometimes we make a commitment to a relationship and are unable to fulfill it. That has also happened to me. I have betrayed commitments that I made because I did not want to end the relationship, because I loved my partner and yet my partner and I had little common ground and were not able to find emotional, spiritual or sexual depth together. And I have been betrayed in the same way by the same partners.
When you break a committment, you should apologize. And when someone breaks a commitment to you – forgive them. Figure out together why it happened. But do not get stuck in demonizing games. Because once demonizing apology for the initial offense becomes almost impossible and karma is created – often for several generations.
Love has to allow for mistakes and human fragility. If it does not then it is not love.
