Marc Gafni – Left Outside

Marc Gafni
posted on marcgafni.com
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Much of modernity militates against the eros of being on the inside. Indeed, the whole psychological stance of fortifying the ego is about keeping people on the outside. Our way of thinking about this all was powerfully influenced by the work of the child psychologist Margaret Mahler. She taught that the primary goal of growing up and out of being a baby is to achieve what she termed individuation and separation. The healthy human baby’s journey must be towards ever ascending levels of autonomy and separateness.

That mantra which rings at least partially true in the infant years is unfortunately taken as the mantra for our lives. We achieve every increasing levels of separateness and autonomy until we are at the top, all alone. Yes, we do need to reinforce the ego, but we also need to let the ego boundaries drop. It is the only way to let others, and sometimes even ourselves, inside.

When psychology defines a person’s real self as ego then we begin to view the breakdown of ego as a breakdown in normality. We erect our fortress so high and so ‘healthy’ that no one, including ourselves, can get inside. And yet are not most of the great experiences we seek in life dependent on the ego breaking down? From falling in love to orgasm to spiritual connection, the most sought after experiences can happen only when the ego boundaries soften to allow entry to these welcome guests. When we spend our lives under the spell of the separate individuate mantra we block access to the Eros our souls so desperately crave.
We all need lovers to let us in. They may be lovers, teachers, friends, students and hopefully parents. No one can survive on the outside.