Giving in Love: Part Two with Marc Mordechai Gafni

You see, built into the sexual is an enormous desire to give, particularly to give pleasure. In virtually all arenas of living, most of us are perpetually on the prowl for the great deal. The great deal is always about getting the most while giving the least. The great exception is the sexual. In sex, being a great lover is taken to mean that you give your partner an unbelievable, unforgettable experience. This ability to give pleasure (and the more, the better) is considered a great honor, a virtual badge of merit. As well it should be! Remember the principle of the Cherubs…the sexual  models the erotic. Yet we need to expand this desire to apply to so much more than just sex. The erotic must engage every facet of existence. 

Imagine if we brought into every realm of life this standard of giving. Imagine if all of us were willing to forfeit feeling some of our own pleasure, our own comfort, in order to further the pleasure and comfort of another. People who behave this way consistently over long periods of time are called saints. They are the Mother Teresas of the world. Paradoxically, it is in the sexual that the glimmerings of sainthood first appear. For it is in the sexual, as May’s anecdote aptly shows, that the greatest hero is the one who gifts his/her beloved with the greatest pleasure. 

At the deepest level, the philanderer and philanthropist share a common soul root. The root of philo — meaning love, in this case, love of giving. It is true that philanders love is fallen. However, as mystical master Nachum of Chernobyl reminds us, it is only in remembering the noble source of his/her desire that the fallen lover can be raised and restored to health and wholeness.

marc gafni

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