Falling in Love: Part Thirty Five: Recovering Your Lost Self: Part Three Marc Gafni

cont’d from yesterday…

Or it could happen in just the opposite way: you could marry someone cold through whom you hope to fix the relation to your father. “If I can warm him up,” your unconscious mind tells you, “then I will heal that cold numbness of my heart which is left over from Dad.” In either case, you would not be marrying who you think is your intended choice. You would be marrying your father.

Without a doubt, in all of the scenarios we just painted you are attracted to a person, not because of who they are, but because they unconsciously meet a need created by your parents. In all of these scripts, you are not loving your partner. Perception is about experiencing your partners as they are and not as you are.

All of this is rooted in your inability to leave your parents behind.

Now re-read the Biblical myth text and see just how in-sightful it is: “Therefore shall you leave your father and mother and be intimate with your lover.”

For the Kabbalist, as long as these internal dynamics remain unconscious, full loving is impossible. Since love is a perception, unconscious choosing of partners is not full love. And yet it is loving. It is simply unconscious loving. Often the unconscious guides us on the path which we are not yet consciously prepared to walk.

The great mistake of much of the intelligent love literature is that it dismissed the value of unconscious loving. We are told that the partners we picked, in order to recover lost parts of our self, or in order to complete unfinished business with parents or caretakers — are somehow wrong choices. You made a mistake. After all, how can you chose the right mate before you are healed and conscious?

The answer is that you can! Deeper currents of loving carry you even where your conscious mind is not yet ready to swim. The point of becoming conscious is not to act against your unconscious. Rather it is to work with it, in understanding and therefore helping to shape the higher dynamics that guide your life.

marc gafni
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