Falling in Love: Part Thirty Four: part two in Recovering Your Lost Self: Marc Gafni

cont’d from yesterday – how do we recover the self we lost…

Recognize the Archetype

Second, we will look to recover our lost self through the archetype of our parent. When you meet a person who is similar to your father or your mother image, you are often unconsciously attracted to them. You are not, at least overtly, trying to recover your lost self; rather you are seeking to complete unfinished business with your parents. That unfinished business has left you wounded. You seek wholeness and healing.

Imagine for a moment that you wanted to be a housewife raising children and creating a home. Your mother is an ardent feminist and you feel like you will totally let her down if you do not have a significant career. So you “fall in love” with men who do not honor and support your dream of hearth, but who can help you advance up the corporate ladder. Really, however, you are looking for mum’s embrace. You do not really see your “Lover” and he does not see you.

Or say that you are an artist and your dad wanted you to be an accountant. You may well fall for very organized competent women. They support the part of you that your parents’ support. In getting her support you may feel unconsciously like you are also winning your parents’ love. Or that she will support your accountant self and thereby help you win your parents’ love. In both cases, you cannot love her because as a “Thou,” she is invisible to you. You are really still seeing your parents.

One last example, this time more directly related to your emotional relationships with your parent figures. You may have had a very cold relationship with your father. If the coldness of that relationship was traumatic to you, then it may well affect who you choose as your partner. You could choose someone who is bubbly and gregarious to try and get what you feel you lost. But he is so bubbly and gregarious that he drives you crazy. Especially when you find out all that other stuff about him. A few months after the wedding, you lament to a friend, “How could I have not seen it!

One would have to be blind!” That of course is precisely the point: since he was playing a part in your life drama, you transformed him from a Thou subject relation to an It object relation.

more tomorrow folks…. gorgeous day to all

marc gafni
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