Tears of Angels: Part Three: Marc Gafni
Trauma that needs to be cried AND THEN MOVE ON!
When is it vital to connect deeply with your tears of angels and when is it better to just let them go?
Get on the Bus
This question came into bold and somewhat comical relief for me one day some years back in Jerusalem. I was waiting for the number 4 bus which crosses town from the Old Katamon neighborhood in Jerusalem to Hebrew University. I had just finished delivering a public lecture.
There were four students who had walked me to the bus stop, as was their lovely custom, in order to continue asking questions. At the time I was drinking a Diet Coke and had my keys in my hand. I threw the Diet Coke can away into one of those very large green garbage dumpsters that dot Jerusalem. To my chagrin, and unnoticed by my students, my keys flew into the garbage bin also. Yuck!
At that very moment, I had to make a great decision. Do I continue to discourse in sophisticated style to my students, pretending nothing happened, and lose my car keys but avoid the compromise of my dignity that the search would require? Or do I explain what happened, turn over the huge green vat of garbage and start searching through all the muck. As expected, I was less than thrilled by the choices that I seemed to be facing. Until, that is, a light bulb went off in my head. I realized that the image was a great way to illustrate an idea I had been thinking about for a while.
That is, sometimes you have to get on your knees and look through all the muck in order to find the keys to your life. So with that comforting thought I turned over the vat of garbage and began searching for my keys. My students, being the graceful and loving people they are, laughed. But then actually got down on their knees and helped me search.
I know this should be the end of the story but the problem was that we could not find the keys. Then a few minutes into our looking, maybe less, the bus comes! Now I was confronted with another difficult choice. I had a lecture to give at Hebrew University. Continuing searching through the muck would mean I would be late to the lecture. And yet I had already invested in looking and at this point I wanted my keys. And then — lo and behold — a second light bulb went off! Sometimes you need to stop looking in the muck for the keys, you just need to get on the bus, leave them behind and go live your life. And get on the bus I did.
Truth be told, this is the great question of tears of angels. It is the single most important issue facing the therapist and client, or anyone seriously interested in personal growth. When do I need to go back and cry the tears of angels and when do I need to get on the bus and move forward with my life? For Jenny in the movie, the issue is clear. At a certain point, her life had stopped working. Relationships fell apart, work became intolerable and life became too much to bear. (she found herself reeling on the ledge of a LA high rise.) Clearly, her unfinished trauma was blocking the flow of her life energy. Only by crying her tears of angels could Jenny wash away the film from her soul.
marc gafni
posted on marcgafni.com
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