What is Intimacy: Marc Gafni

Without a doubt, love’s sister is always intimacy. An erotic inside word, intimacy. Although it speaks to our knower selves, evoking deep levels of intuitive recognition, we are often hard pressed to define it. And while a definition could never exhaust the fullness and depth of intimacy, it may give us some direction in distinguishing true intimacy from the many false varieties that abound. Intimacy is, plain and simple, a sense of shared identity. The “I” does not disappear. It is true, as Rilke says, that love is two solitudes protecting each other. And yet, perhaps the greatest protection love offers is the knowledge that beyond the vast solitude there is an even vaster shared identity. Intimacy wells up from the feeling that my identity has been expanded to include the story of another. I incorporate a new vantage point, my heart widens to encompass my new vision.

The best phrase I know which captures the first inkling of identity expansion while allowing for the retention of personal integrity is drawn from the Zohar:
“mati velo mati” — touching and not touching.

In the biblical creation story, which may have spanned six days or six billion years, it doesn’t really matter, God is described as hovering — merachef — over the water. Merachef is a strange word which catches the attention of commentary because it appears only one other time in the original biblical myth text. This is in the fifth book, Deuteronomy, where a loving Mother Eagle is described as hovering (merachefet) over her young. There, Merachef is explained by 11th century interpreter Rashi with the phrase, “Touching and not touching.” “Mati Velo Mati.” It is a love expression. It is the poetics of eros.

So the unfolding of the universe entails full divine loving presence. The divine perspective changes to include human beings. It is an intimate relation of shared identity. We participate in God and God participates in us. The great mystery of reality is the mystery of intimacy. God is both erotically within me and beyond me at the selfsame moment. Touching and not touching. The intimacy of shared identity without losing the integrity of individuality. Two solitudes that share in a sublime moment of Sameness.

marc gafni
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